Most Asked Question ... Ever

I recently connected with MLJ Adoptions, Inc., an Indianapolis based agency focused on International adoptions, to join a panel to talk to couples in their stage of adoption. I have not had an opportunity to talk to future parents about their adoption journey for some time, so I was really looking forward to it.

The whole intent is to offer future parents my experience and perspective. Sometimes it is not all "touchy feel-y", but it is real. That's what future parents want. There are some really awesome and unique opportunities, but there are also struggles. The struggles are real.

I have spoken to a handful of people and also one-to-one with couples. There is always a question that gets asked, so I decided to kick off the first post with getting that out of the way.

The Most Asked Question

Parents always want to know:

"What is THE one piece of advice someone who is adopted can give to parents who are in the process of adopting?"

Here is the thing. There is not a perfect equation to prepare for raising your adopted child. I would give the same advice to anyone getting ready to raise a child. Love, Patience, and Understanding.

It is important to really throw yourself into the classes, programs, and services offered through your agency. Soak up all the content you can. It will help in processing all the emotions and special parenting that often comes with international adoptions. Parenting your adopted child is not about parenting differently, but parenting with a different skill set of understanding and perspective.

Chief Band-aid Officer

Your job as a parent is to understand the importance of a band-aid on the smallest of micro scratches. You will also need to make sure you are able to negotiate the process of nap time. Don't even think about the struggle of bedtime. You will stress when changing a diaper. Could this be the time you get peed on? Wrapping your brain around the fact of finally getting buckled into the carseat, and then being told they need to go potty. 

Yes there will be times that they look at you and realize that their skin looks a little different. There will be a time when your child will ask why? Then you will learn all about a child's train of inquisitive thought. Have patience and understanding in their discovery process. Reveal age appropriate information when it is the right time for your child. Sometimes when your toddler is asking why skin color is different, is just them wondering and noticing more about the world around them. A perfect time to discuss how everything is different. It probably is not the best time to discuss identity issues, nor is that what they are really asking. 

It Is Ok

Soak up all the knowledge you can now. Figure out your support system. Stay connected with post adoption services that your agency might offer. It will be invaluable when you don't know the answer to one of your child's questions. A support system will help in understanding the proactive things parents can do with raising an adopted child.

Just remember adopted children aren't adopted first. They are children first.

photo credit: phalinn via photopin cc